don’t mind me hanging on a balance of allergy meds and caffeine

This is winter break, although It certainly doesn’t feel like it.

3 weeks ago, at the time I am writing this, I was finishing my final paper. I went to work the next morning, worked 8 Hours, turned 20 the following day, and drove to Colorado Springs on a wild goose chase the next 3 days. Worked 42 Hours during the week of Christmas, every other day being taken up by some obligation. The next week, I spent every day away from work building a fence.

The paper I finished forced me to read a book, which I enjoyed. I found myself reading something I chose for the first time, leading me to want to read often. Instead, I’m unsure of how to make the time. My energy is expended every day towards a mix of repetition and responsibility. When I finally have room for myself, I am both exhausted and unsure of how to spend it. Talking with friends is absolutely rewarding. However, it can only happen in those brief moments when I can sneak my phone out at work, or once I have time to myself again. When friends aren’t available, social media is the substitute. Repetition of the same updates over and over, It’s not that they aren’t important, it's that my brain wants something more. Venturing further into feeds leads to “anxiety bullets”, sharp, quick shares that perfectly harmonize with my existing anxiety toward the well-being of people I care for. They are not always malicious, they are usually important, and sometimes anxiety-laden gut reactions themselves. They are unhealthy for me, their abrupt and contagious nature leads to additional anxiety-fueled reactions. I could do my best to remove these from my feed, but I would feel out of the loop, and it’s an impossible task to remove them all.

In the grand scheme, my brain has replaced healthy social interaction with a type of socializing that is one-sided and addictive. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve slowly been relying more on the latter type. I’ve decided to cut the source, but what does that leave me? I’m still on the edge of burnout, with 2 weeks before the semester starts once again. Will I ever have the time to pick up a book and read? I’ve learned my procrastination in school is directly tied to my interest, which is again tied to my time management. This will be my busiest semester yet, will I have time to finish my creative projects? I have to plan for transferring, submitting my paperwork and application, then stare into the blank wall that is my future plans past the summer. Plans that are reliant on a mix of my current investment and the whims of an erratic system. My shoulders have been tense for the entirety of 2025, I don’t expect it to get better.